Childhood behavioural problems
1. What is it?
Most children are difficult to manage at some time during their development. For some parents it's the 'terrible twos', the defiant school aged child or the over-active 8-10 year old. All children like to test the boundaries their parents set through displaying difficult behaviour. If your child is experiencing the following difficulties over an extended period of time and across different settings such a school, home and with peers, then it is possible that your child has a behaviour problem. This may be characterized by poor school performance, difficulty paying attention, non completion of projects or tasks, not following directions, difficulty sitting still for even short periods of time and impulsive behaviour.
2. Why might it develop?
A child may develop behaviour problems for a number of reasons. One reason may be as result a mismatch between child temperament and parenting style mismatch. For example, a very strong willed child may become a challenge for the type of parent who finds it very difficult to set limits. Child behaviour problems may also develop from inconsistent parenting. For example, the child's father may punish one type of behaviour that goes unnoticed by the child's mother. A child is more likely to act out when responding to a conflicting message. Children may also develop behaviour problems in response to learning, physical or emotional delays in their development. Essentially, by acting out children are trying to tell those around them that not everything is okay.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
A child with behaviour problems can impact on relationship and family functioning. Often marital conflict can develop through disagreements in how to handle challenging children. In addition, much attention is usually focused on the acting out child, leaving siblings sometimes feeling neglected. A child with behaviour problems can impact on family social functioning, in that the parents feel unable to take their child anywhere due to fear of embarrassment at inability to control them. Eventually the acting out child's schoolwork and peer friendships may also suffer.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with child behaviour problems:
Ensure that there is structure in your child's environment (e.g.; routines and consistency in parenting) as well as limits on acceptable behaviour.
Make sure you and your partner agree upon and stick to consequences for undesirable behaviour.
Make sure you spend some 'special time' with your child each day, regardless of how they behave so you can strengthen your relationship with them. Never take this time away as a punishment.
Separate the "challenging behaviour from the child", so that the child clearly knows that he/she is loved, but that the behaviour is unacceptable.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends, family, school or local childhood resource center if you begin to feel overwhelmed by your child's behaviour. No matter how bad it may get, do not become physically or emotionally violent towards your child.
PARENT & ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
1. What is it?
It is not unusual for parents and adolescents to clash with resulting conflict. Disagreements and emotional tensions over everyday life, such as completing chores, doing schoolwork and getting along with siblings are normal. From about ages 11-12 years of age onwards, pre-teens become very restless and disorganized. Adolescents begin to become irritable, moody and distrustful of their parents. Rules that they used to happily abide by are now questioned and openly challenged or disobeyed - this is all very typical of the adolescent stage of a child's life.
2. Why might it develop?
Adolescence may be referred to as a transition phase between childhood and adulthood. During this time, your adolescent will experiencing rapid physical growth, hormonal upheaval and other biological changes on the "inside", and begin to interact with and experience the world in different ways on the "outside". During this time, adolescents may begin a process where they pull away from parents and begin to identify more with their peers. Parents often view this change as threatening and feel like they are 'losing' their child. Consequently, they may try to tighten their disciplinary control resulting in conflict and the potential break down of familial relations. This process can be further complicated if there is marital conflict or divorce occurring within the family, adjustment to a step family or family instability or stress through such things as illness, parental inconsistencies with the adolescent etc. These factors may thus further increase the risk of conflict developing.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
If issues with your adolescent are routinely handled poorly over a period of time, normal conflict between adolescents and parents can escalate into open confrontation and in some instances can lead to family breakdown. Remember however that not all conflict is bad. Developmentally, conflict can be a means by which adolescents attempt to establish new parameters around the parent-adolescent relationship. However, if you continue to try to "manage or organize" your child's life they will begin to resent your input as over-parenting or controlling. Conflict may become problematic when the adolescent's anger becomes too frequent, too intense, is long lasting, leads to aggression and disturbs work or relationships.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with parent-adolescent conflict:
Choose your conflicts carefully - not all battles need to be won!! Be prepared to let less important issues slide.
Remain calm; don't match your adolescent's level of emotional intensity.
Be available to your adolescent as a caring consultant rather than a manager.
Realize that some conflict is inevitable and can be very positive for your adolescent in resolving their own issues and in your relationship with them. This may help to tone down some of the hostility you both feel towards each other.
Let your adolescent know they can always call you when in trouble, without fear of recrimination.
Listen to your adolescent, show interest in what they do, do not put them down, encourage them to make their own decisions and help them with this if they ask. Expect them to make mistakes - it is a natural part of learning about life.
Marital or Relationship Issues
1. What is it?
There is no such thing as a 'perfect' relationship. Even couples in happy relationships need to work very hard to sustain their satisfaction. It is completely normal for couples to experience some conflict resulting in arguments. Often however, communication during fights can become hurtful, unfair and damaging. At some stage through an argument, both partners can potentially stop listening and start becoming defensive. Communication breaks down and old patterns of relating to each other are played out without anything being resolved. Consequently, you are probably very aware that your partner is upset but have no clear idea why.
2. Why might it develop?
Couples argue for many reasons. It may be how they are used to saying something of importance to their partner, as this what they learnt when they were growing up in their own family. A partner may feel that their spouse is not acknowledging their view and so becomes emotional, forceful and argumentative in a need to be 'heard'. Or one partner might find it hard to address their own feelings and therefore feels unable to accept or understand or sometimes even listen to their partner's expression of emotion. Whatever the reason, often arguments contain a kernel of truth that is poorly expressed and evidently lost.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
Couples who argue as their main form of communication may eventually start responding to each other in very patterned ways. That is, males tend to physically and emotionally withdraw and females tend to become more demanding and invasive in their communication style. It becomes a demand-withdrawal pattern. In the short term, the couple may become dissatisfied and start to feel very negative about the relationship. Longer-term problems include the development of depression in either or both partners, increased stress and anxiety and increased engagement in poor health behaviours, such as drug and alcohol use. The effect on any children who may be in the relationship can be equally damaging, leading to heightened anxiety, sadness,depression, behaviour problems, and problems at school, to name but a few.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with relationship conflict and poor communication:
Remember that sometimes the message that your partner is trying to communicate to you is not always the message that is received. Reflect back what you have heard your partner say to make sure you have received the information that they wanted to send.
Try to acknowledge what your partner is saying even if you don't agree with it. It's very important to know that your thoughts and feelings are valued even if they are not accepted by your partner.
Make some rules for 'fighting fair', such as no yelling, insults or anger expressed physically. If any rules are broken use a time out until calm can be restored.
PANIC ATTACKS
1. What is it?
Attacks of panic are very common. A panic attack is a sudden feeling of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without obvious reason. It can be quite frightening when it first happens because the person having the attack may feel as if there is something seriously wrong with them physically. Sometimes people report thinking that they are going to die. Many people with panic attacks visit their doctor trying to determine a physical cause for their sudden shortness of breath, heart racing, increased sweating, intense nervousness, queasy stomach, etc. In addition, you may feel as if you are emotionally ‘falling to pieces’, find yourself being very nervous in certain situations, and perhaps that you are going crazy.
2. Why might it develop?
Panic attacks may develop in response to poor coping with stress (e.g.; psychological or physical). When faced with danger, your body becomes ready for fight or flight from the stressor. This reaction causes many of the physical symptoms outlined above. Excessive worry and negative thinking patterns can also contribute to the development and maintenance of panic attacks. People who frequently worry may be more vulnerable to panic.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
Some individuals continue their daily activities despite the possibility of panic. Eventually, however, frequent attacks of panic can interfere with daily functioning. People may begin to avoid situations for fear of panic. You may eventually develop a phobia to certain situations or places (e.g.; going to the supermarket). People in such situations can become afraid of having another panic attack more serious than the last and be unable to seek medical attention. People around you may unknowingly reinforce your avoidance of particular situations in an effort to try and reduce your suffering and offer support. Ultimately it can have the effect of limiting your choices and thus interfere with your enjoyment of life.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some general ideas that may be of benefit to you:
Tell yourself helpful thoughts when approaching stressful situations. Don’t immediately assume that you will have a panic attack if you enter certain situations.
Remind yourself that your physiological responses are stress responses and not a sign of something being physically wrong with you.
Use visualisation to picture yourself coping effectively in difficult situations.
Make yourself aware of the situations you typically avoid in preparation for gradually facing these once you and have the necessary ‘psychological tools’ and are prepared.
ANXIETY
1. What is it?
Anxiety is a signal that our body gives when danger is near. The danger may come from internal or external sources, and can be real or imagined. Modern society exposes us continually to threatening situations that result in anxiety and stress. Our body may then prepare itself by activating the flight or fight response. When the fight or flight response is activated, you may experience the following physiological symptoms as part of your anxiety: heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, dizziness, shaking, sweating, poor concentration, etc.
2. Why might it develop?
People may develop anxiety for a number of reasons. People may remember having been anxious since they were children. Others develop anxiety in response to adverse life events or in response to making difficult life decisions. They notice that they start to think differently, interpreting new events in their life as threatening or negative. The meaning placed on these events becomes skewed and blown out of proportion.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
If you are anxious you are likely to notice some of the changes listed above and possibly think or worry about them a lot. You may find it hard to make decisions, find that you are not coping with the stress of everyday life very well, and perhaps feel socially isolated and overwhelmed by your own thoughts. Those close to you may wonder why you are finding it so hard to make simple decisions and then follow through with action. They may notice that you seem to take the negative perspective or always look at the worst possible outcome in situations. They may wonder why it is that you always think that you will fail or be unable to cope.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some general ideas that may be of benefit to you:
Concentrate on slowing down your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply right down into your stomach.
Get active. Engage in some exercise that you find enjoyable. It will activate the many pleasure-producing substances in your body.
Stop procrastinating and deal with life’s difficulties.
Small problems build up if they are not addressed and eventually become overwhelming. Address them one at a time, setting small and achievable goals.
DEPRESSION
1. What is it?
Depression is a common problem. We can all relate to days where we feel sad or down and may even tell others that we feel depressed. Serious depression is different in that we feel down for more than 2 weeks at a time. We may also cry frequently, feel guilty, helpless, hopeless, agitated, anxious, tired, unable to sleep, have difficulty concentrating, increased or decreased appetite, weight loss or gain and perhaps even have thoughts of harming yourself. We may have only a few or any combination of many of these symptoms.
2. Why might it develop?
Depression may develop in response to painful circumstances, unmet expectations about how our life should be, lack of skills in handling a difficult or sensitive life situation, or in response to actual or perceived loss. Other causes of depression include relationship problems, role transitions and loneliness or social isolation. While our biology may influence the experience of depression it does not cause the problem. Medication may therefore assist in the treatment of depression but will not address or resolve or “cure” the psychological symptoms of this problem.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
People who are experiencing depression often tell themselves negative or unhelpful things, such as “I’m an awful person” or “I’ll never find happiness”. These thoughts then impact on how you begin to think about our life and the whole world in general. There is a big chance then, that your relationships with others have become disrupted. Due to your depression, you may be experiencing a lack of communication with, and feelings of isolation from those close to you. Others may have found your behavior frustrating and hard to understand. They may be wondering why you are seemingly so negative and unmotivated!
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some general ideas that may be of benefit to you:
Monitor the sorts of things you are saying to yourself. If you expect that things will ALWAYS go badly, chances are your behaviour will lead to this outcome.
Ask yourself, “Are my thoughts helping me, or harming me?”.
Try and tell yourself kinder and more helpful thoughts.
Nurture yourself by taking time out for you. Take a walk, have a long bath, read your favourite book, go to a movie, ring a friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time, etc.
Set yourself a small, clear and specific task to achieve each day. Action creates motivation and therefore more action.
TRAUMA & ABUSE counselling
1. What is it?
Sometimes events occur in people's lives that are shocking and life threatening, for example, natural disasters, crime, rape, witnessing assault or murder or sexual abuse. In response to the trauma, victims may experience many symptoms. First, they may feel a number of intense emotions such as pain, terror, shame, horror, grief, rage and shock. They may be jumpy, constantly scanning for danger, and easily startled. Second, they may experience shock and protect themselves through denial, disbelief, and dissociation (splitting away from the terrible events as if it didn't happen to them). Third, people who have experienced trauma may re-experience the events again and again against their will. Fourth, regular and disturbing nightmares might occur resulting in sleep deprivation. Finally, people will respond to events that remind them of the trauma with all the feelings as if it were the trauma itself.
2. Why might it develop?
When people experience trauma their sense of security and safety is shattered. In response their bodily processes become unusually heightened in order to be ready to confront danger at all times. At the same time, to emotionally protect themselves they may shut down some of their normal responses to life and other people. This may in turn protect them from becoming overwhelmed and being unable to regulate or control their emotional responses.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
If you are a victim of trauma, you may feel that you and your life will never be the same again. You may have much difficulty trying to trust anyone, even those close to you. Being touched, even in kindness may become aversive. You may want to be left alone. Those around you may be unsure about what to do and when. The best thing they can do is to ask what you want.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with traumatic events:
Follow your own process. Don't rush to try and 'deal' with what has happened. You need to bring things up in your own time and in your own way.
When you need to talk, find someone you trust that will listen and validate you and the feelings you have about your experience.
Seek assistance from a registered psychologist to work through your experience and your resulting difficulties.
GRIEF, SEPARATION & DIVORCE ISSUES
1. What is it?
There are many kinds of loss that we may experience resulting in feelings of grief. People may lose loved ones such as partners, children, family members and friends through death. Even the loss of pets, job opportunities, personal functioning, or relationships through separation or divorce can result in feelings of grief. Initially a person may feel numbness, shock and disbelief. Long term, individuals grieving a loss may develop feelings of depression, guilt, a sense of responsibility, anger, hopelessness or even a belief that their life is not worth living.
2. Why might it develop?
Grief is a normal process that most people go through whilst trying to come to terms with a loss. In the case of death, even if the death is expected, there can still be disbelief that the person is actually gone. People may feel distant from others or may even feel as if they are not able to cope with the day-to-day demands of living. It is important to note that people's reaction can vary widely. Reacting seems to signal the start of the grieving process. Once the death or loss has been accepted, the person may then be able to start working through the emotions associated with the grief.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
Initially you will likely experience many physical symptoms, such as sobbing, crying and weeping. Sadness that is not relieved may arise in other ways physically through a lack of concentration, poor memory, disrupted sleep, little or no appetite and drug or alcohol abuse. Grief may also have major physical consequences such as compromised immune functioning, increased hospitalization and surgeries and increased mortality rates. Psychologically, loss of a loved one (be it through death or separation or divorce or some other loss) may change a person's social support network. An individual may need to acquire new skills to move on (e.g.; becoming more financially knowledgeable to handle family monetary decisions). Those around you may be unsure how to respond to your loss. Do they talk to you about it? Pretend it hasn't happened? As a result they may avoid you so as not to worsen your grief, or so they believe.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to start coping with grief:
Reach out to your close friends and family for support. They are probably waiting for a cue from you to know how to help. Don't be shy to tell them what sort of help you need (e.g.; physical or emotional).
Putting down in writing how you feel about the deceased or lost loved one, can help to tie up unfinished business and develop a sense of closure to the relationship. You don't need to post it. It is a process to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.
Look after yourself physically. Try to get a good night's sleep, engage in gentle exercise and eat nutritiously. This will help prevent your becoming physically ill, impacting on your successful negotiation of the grieving process.
If you feel that the pain is too great, don't despair - seek help.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS
1. What is it?
Post traumatic stress disorder is a category used to describe symptoms that develop in response to experiencing traumatic events. It assumes that a person has experienced a traumatic event involving actual or threatened death or injury to themselves or others and where they felt fear, helplessness or horror. The main symptoms people experience include: intrusions such as flashbacks and nightmares where the trauma is re-experienced, avoidance where the person tries to reduce the exposure to people or things that may bring on their intrusive symptoms, and hyper-arousal where physiologically they are easily startled and over aroused. Headaches, gastrointestinal complaints, immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain or discomfort in other parts of the body are also common.
2. Why might it develop?
It is true that if several people are exposed to the same stressor, only some may develop post traumatic stress disorder. This is because the interpretation of trauma is largely subjective or in the eye of the beholder. In some ways, trauma symptoms are quite adaptive and evolved to help us recognize and avoid other dangerous situations. Sometimes these symptoms resolve themselves in a few days or weeks. The risk of developing post traumatic disorder increases with exposure to trauma. Childhood traumatic experiences, particularly if they are prolonged are more likely to result in the development of PTSD in adult experienced trauma.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
The longer term effects of trauma may include aggression against yourself and others, difficulty with social relationships such as over dependence of isolation, you may have difficulty concentrating, a loss of trust and hope and a loss of meaningful attachments to others. You may have difficulty functioning at work and socially. Those around you may experience you as moody and withdrawn or alternatively overly needy.
4. Some tips on how to handle it.
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with post traumatic stress disorder:
To facilitate your whole recovery, visit a registered psychologist. Relief of symptoms can be achieved once behaviours and reactions are identified.
Keep a journal and put your thoughts and feelings into words to create meaning and help your processing.
Try some relaxation techniques to reduce your physiological arousal to a more normal resting state.
Be reassured that you are not going crazy - the symptoms you are experiencing are often found in persons who have experienced a traumatic event or events.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
1. What is it?
Domestic violence can take many forms, such as emotional, physical or sexual abuse and can happen once in a while or very frequently. It includes behaviors such as name-calling or put-downs, isolation from family or friends, withholding of money, and actual or threatened physical violence and harm or sexual assault. Domestic violence can include partner violence, family violence, spouse abuse, child abuse, battering and partner beating.
2. Why might it develop?
Perpetrators of domestic violence have often been victims of violence in their family of origin. From their upbringing, violent men may learn to express most emotions, even love and fear through aggressive behaviour. Violent partners express their own sense of powerlessness through controlling their partner's life in as many areas as possible. Women who enter into relationships with violent men are often initially unaware of their partner's aggressive behaviour. Their sense of self may be damaged before entry into the relationship and is further eroded from the violence, making it very difficult for them to break the cycle.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
Often victims of domestic violence become very apt at hiding their problem. In fact, they often go to great lengths to defend or protect the perpetrator. Victims may feel shame associated with their treatment and may blame themselves for the violence occurring. People around you may suspect you are in an abusive relationship but be unsure how to approach the issue with you. They may be afraid to offer help should you take offense or withdraw further from them. The impact on children growing up in domestically violent households can be devastating and their emotional distress may become apparent in such things as: anxiety, depression, behaviour, relationships, lowered school performance, difficulty in concentrating etc.
4. Some tips on how to handle it?
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with domestic violence:
Share what is happening to you with someone you can trust.
If you have suffered physical harm go to the hospital with a friend to be checked for injuries. Be aware that you can report the assault to police if you choose to - the LAW is there to protect you.
Be aware that you can get a protective order to prevent further harassment by the abuser.
Plan safe strategies for leaving the abuse relationship. Never follow a plan that you believe will put you at further risk. Inform a trusted person of your plans.